Thursday, August 14, 2008

Under

I lay back in the chair and feel myself deflating, the opposite to my stomach which slowly fills with the buffet I'd just created for myself. Cheese, crackers, pate, pickled onions, bread and ham litter the plate and spill over onto the table, a Ploughmans lunch is my comfort food. My eyes struggle to stay open so, surely at the height of laziness, I decide to close one while I pick out the glass of red wine from amongst the mess on the table. Remarkably I take a sip without spilling any down my front. 'Get Shorty' plays on the television, I mumble something about John Travolta being cool and my housemate just looks over and shakes her head in a manner which tells me she either didn't hear what I was saying, or she heard it perfectly and has given up trying to figure out what goes on in my head, I suspect it's the latter. I spend the rest of the film mumbling things, picking bits of stilton from the plate and trying to figure what goes on in my head myself. It's not a pleasant place to be. Anxiety, fear, loneliness and John Travolta are amongst the thoughts flying around and around. This is one of my down moments, and I don't like it because it makes my fingers smell of stilton.

7 Comments:

At 11:02 pm, Blogger The Incognitrix thought it was best to say...

I saw that Get Shorty was on tv... but decided in the end to go with another show. Perhaps it's good I didn't, if Stilton fingers and loneliness was the result.

You know what the hardest thing is? Switching off. Stopping the whir upstairs. I don't know how to do it exactly, but I do know that you can whip yourself up into a frenzy (or down into a spiral)... but, the other edge of that sword that suppressing your feelings is the worst thing you can do, as well.

I know your panic and fear... if only through the limited scope of my own experience. If you need a friendly ear, feel free to drop me a line - hopefully, your stats page should show you my email address.

 
At 9:50 pm, Anonymous mary thought it was best to say...

Aaaw!

 
At 5:31 am, Blogger Monica thought it was best to say...

I, too, often turn to cheese in moments of personal distress.

 
At 4:06 am, Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman thought it was best to say...

Ouf! What a day. Sometimes we need to deflate so we can rise agan the next day (at least that's what I keep telling myself, anyway...)

 
At 11:07 am, Blogger mo** thought it was best to say...

I hate that feeling, but when it occurs, I find that in a way I somewhat relish in it..perhaps I'm psychotic, I don't know, but I find that when I feel so melancholic something in me changes a bit and then I am able to move on and feel better and even make the necessary small changes that, accumulated, are the source of the initial "down" feeling.
Hope you're up and about smiling again!
big hugs

 
At 7:25 pm, Blogger Neal thought it was best to say...

The lows make the highs just that much more gratifying. I wonder what your fingers will smell like at one of your highs?

 
At 3:09 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

TI - Fuck, tell me about the switching off. Perhaps doing more maths throughout the day would help to knacker out the brain.

Mary - I know, cheesy fingers gets the same reaction as kittens and babies.

Mon - It's SO good. The smellier, the more re-assuring.

CDW - I like that. Perhaps deflating enables us to rise even higher than before.

Mo - There's always an end in sight, I can see where you're coming from when you say you relish it. I'm up and definitely smiling again, thank you! :)

Neal - No comment.

 

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