Friday, March 28, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

I'm awful at lying. There's no other way of putting it, when I tell a lie it's so blatantly obvious - eyes gazing at the ground, my voice suddenly gets shaky and nervous and I start to get really fidgety. The peak of my lying career was in Primary school but it was over before it started when I realised that I just couldn't get away with telling untruths. When I was about 14 I thought I'd have a crack at it again with an old classic - I assured my History teacher that I'd done my homework (I hadn't) but I just hadn't brought my history book in with me (I had). My teacher then proceeded to search my bag and pull out the history book with the homework nowhere to be seen, I got in trouble. The name 'Little Liar' stuck with me for a couple of weeks afterwards. Later on that year I couldn't bring in my science homework because the "Dog pooed on it", naturally my teacher didn't believe me - unfortunately, it was the truth. The science paper was a horrible shade of lime green, which the dog seemed to enjoy using as a target - the said poo was in the centre of the paper on the floor in the centre of my room

So that was it, I vowed never to tell a lie again and adopt a 100% honesty policy in the future. That particular policy has got me in trouble a few times, mainly because it means that I'm terrible at keeping other peoples secrets. On the whole though, I've benefited hugely from it and I can get away with doing things I shouldn't simply because I've been upfront about doing it.

One facet of my life in which the honesty comes in really handy is in my working life. I'm supposed to be in work at 9am every morning, but I've changed that to 10am because "I just can't get up". 10am starts aside, every now and then I'm really late for work.... here's some of the choice 'excuses' that I've used, usually proceeding my colleagues laughing rather than scolding me for it. Bear in mind that I don't work for a tiny little 3 person company, it's medium-sized and reasonably important.

Walking into the office at 12pm:-
Curly: "Sorry boys, I went camping last night and just HAD to go surfing when I got up this morning"

Strutting into a (relatively empty) office at 11pm, most people couldn't get into work because of the snow:-
Curly: "Sorry I'm late, the snow held me up"
Colleague: "But you walk into work, the others have to drive in"
Curly: "Yeah, but I had to go round throwing snowballs at my friends houses, didn't I?"

A text from Curly to colleague:
"Sorry mate, can't come in today - 6ft Blonde"

I went out on an office bash, myself and a guy named Stu hit the beers a little harder than the others. It's 10am the next morning, my phone rings...
Colleague: "Curly, where are you? Are you okay?"
*I was a little surprised to not be asked "Why aren't you in work"*
Curly: "I'm in bed actually, I've just woken up"
Colleague: "That's okay, it's just that Stu has just rung us from hospital.. he can't remember what happened"
Curly: "Me neither, oh hold on.. he's at the door - we'll just get breakfast then come in okay?"
Colleague: "Yep, fine - as long as you're okay"

It's 4pm.. I've just woken up...Shiiit, I scramble around for my phone and phone the office:-
Curly: "Alright mate.. errr... I'm not going to be able to make it into work today"
Colleague: "No shit, it's 4pm"
Curly: "Good point, I guess you figured that out. See you tomorrow"

Strutting into the office at 11:30
Curly: "Sorry boys, surprise hangover!!"

A text from me lying in bed to a colleague
"I'm not coming in today until 12pm"
"Okay mate, any reason?"
"ha ha, no worries - see you later"

Walking to work I get a little peckish after missing breakfast, so I phone work.
Curly: "Hello boys, I'm going to be a bit late - I couldn't resist a bacon sandwich and a coffee"
Colleague: "That's okay, but only because you're going to bring us some sandwiches too"

And the absolute WORST I've ever done.. and I'm not proud of it....

TEN DAYS late for work, I walk in at 10am.
Boss: "Long weekend then was it?"
Curly: "Yeah, it rushed by"
Boss: "Where have you been for the last two weeks?"
Curly: "Sweden.. why? Didn't you know?"
Boss: "No, no-one did"

As it turns out, I hadn't actually communicated the fact that I was going on holiday.. oops.

So, they're mine. Have you got any good ones to share?


At 8:45 pm, Blogger Paige Jennifer thought it was best to say...

When I lie people buy it and when I tell the truth people assume I'm lying. I gave up a long time ago.

At 12:50 am, Blogger Afe thought it was best to say...

Holy shit Curly, you're my new hero.

I woke up at 8:50am this morning disoriented and confused. Fortunately I live across the road from work and was able to make it across by nine, albeit little smelly and cranky.

Then the wife came and relieved me (not what you're thinking) for half an hour so I could go have a shower. And that, my friend, is a good wifey.

At 7:02 pm, Blogger moonchadz thought it was best to say...

6ft blonde?
I thought you said you didn't lie?


and seriously, how is it that you still have a job?

At 10:15 pm, Blogger Wierdo thought it was best to say...

I used to tell whoppers at school.

I've told a teacher that my dog ate my homework....she believed me! (which kinda made me feel bad because she was a lovely teacher!!)

I've also told a teacher that my homwork was on my desk in my room but I couln't get it because we'd varnished the floor and it wasn't dry.

But by far my best is partly doing my essay and then inserting white lines of decreasing width through the last paragraph and telling my teacher that the printer broke mid-print. That worked a few times before they started asking me to bring it on floppy disk.

At 9:56 pm, Blogger Clearlykels thought it was best to say...

10 days late. You forgot to say that you're going on holiday. Seriously. How is that possible? I get a call if I'm 15 minutes late. They think I've died.

At 3:32 am, Blogger Neal thought it was best to say...

You have to either always lie, or always tell the truth. No in between.

At 1:32 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

PJ - It's a juggling act sometimes. I'm often in a similar predicament. "No really, I'm genuinely sorry your cat died - stop laughing"

Afe - That's certainly a good wifey indeed, what a sweetheart. Perhaps I should apply for a job with you and your internets?

Mona - That one wasn't a lie, it was a phase I was going through. I have no idea how I still have a job.

Wierdo - It's always the nice teachers that fall for the lies isn't it?

Kels - The only call I get if I'm 15mins late is to buy some milk for the tea. :/

Neal - It's true. Otherwise it gets really confusing.


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