Friday, February 22, 2008

Kiss Kiss... Kiss

Wednesday evening, a French friend had invited me to her house for dinner - also in attendance was a Swedish friend. The three of us cooked dinner, drank plenty of wine and then filled our stomachs with delicious French food whilst trying to predict who would scoop up awards at the Brits. Feeling full of food, a little dizzy from the wine and almost retching at the sight of Mark Ronson winning an award for 'Best British Male' helped me decide that it was time to go home. I leant over to Frenchie and kissed her on the cheek to say goodbye, she demanded another on the other "Oh shit, European - TWO kisses you idiot" my brain said to me. My head then went into overdrive "Okay... do you do a third kiss now?... " I was about to go for the third but my brain intervened "NO NO stop! French = two kisses, it's the Dutch that do three". I then turned towards the Swede... My tired, dizzy, overloaded head couldn't take it - I just waved goodbye from about four feet away, spun around and walked out of the door.

What the hell are the rules for cheek-kissing? I thought we were supposed to just give one? I really haven't got a clue any more, even people in London have started two-cheek kissing now. My ineptitude has led to a few slightly awkward social situations in the past, my favourite being the time I was at a wedding a few years ago:-

Up in the north of England, the wedding\receiving line (Or whatever's it's bloody called) had formed and the reception guests were shuffling along congratulating the bride, the groom and their respective families on the way. I was a random guest in that I didn't know anyone but the groom. I kissed a row of five women (including the bride) on the cheek (my cheek-pecking confidence was soaring). Then I arrived at the brides father and out of sheer habit I leant over to kiss him "FUUUUUCK!" was the single thought that went through my head, I quickly leant back and shook his hand with a rather sheepish look on my face. Thankfully there were a few more women again before I arrived at the next male, the best-man - I extended my right arm for a manly hand-shake, he was grinning at me "Come on, I'll have a kiss on the cheek so you've got a 100% record" he said - He'd spotted the incident with the bride's father and he admitted that he tried his very best not to burst out laughing. "Might as well" I said, I went ahead and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug, he laughed again - but not as hard as the groom, his guffaw made the entire room look round at our embrace. The incident helped propel me from a nobody to super-star status that night, so I wasn't too upset about it at the end.

If anybody knows how many kisses you're supposed to issue, can you let me know please?

11 Comments:

At 8:14 pm, Blogger Paige Jennifer thought it was best to say...

I saw do a high five and bolt. I always understood the double cheek kiss with zee French but I ALWAYS farked up with way to go first. Left and then right or right and then left? Hence the high five.

 
At 4:04 am, Blogger Afe thought it was best to say...

Issue the kisses you wish on your missus, or else you may find that you sleep with the fishes.

That's my policy, anyway.

 
At 9:46 am, Blogger moonchadz thought it was best to say...

even in France people get confused.
seriously.
I know Mexicans give one, French can give anything from 2 to 6...(well 6 is not probable but you may find some that generally go up to 4)

 
At 5:50 pm, Blogger Wierdo thought it was best to say...

I feel for you, I really do.

I have major stresses over hugs. Which way do you go? Where do you put your arms? Up/down/diagonally? If diagonally, which way?!

 
At 4:59 pm, Blogger Huw thought it was best to say...

The Swiss do three as well.

I have a policy of not fannying about and just kissing all girls full on the lips. But that is because I am a perv.

 
At 4:31 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

PJ - High-fives are the way to go.. although I even managed to mess up one of those recently. I think it's left-right... but I doubt myself.

Afe - I like that. Although I interpret that as going round kissing everyone as though they're your missus, is this right?

Mona - But I'm sure the French made everyone do it! (I can't back that up at all). Six is crazy! You'd be there all day! At least the French can lay claim to 'proper' kissing.

Wierdo - Ah, I'm a step ahead of you then. I conquered hugging a few years ago, it helps being taller than lots of people.

Huw - Ha, I know exactly where you're coming from. Do you warn them first? I keep forgetting to do that.

 
At 5:33 pm, Blogger Léonie thought it was best to say...

Thing is, though, most of the time the French don't actually kiss, it's more like a double face bump, which is quite odd.

I reckon as long as you make the decision and then do it with confidence it's ok. I usually just lick people on the chin then go in for a pash. It makes funerals a bit strained but is mostly quite fun.

 
At 8:10 pm, Blogger Clearlykels thought it was best to say...

oof. I'm strictly a one kiss gal. I mean, if there are more to be had, that's cool, but it is much more the exception than the rule.

 
At 3:57 am, Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman thought it was best to say...

the cheek kiss business? dispense with it entirely and go for one on the lips. You'll be memorable!

 
At 4:30 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Léonie - That's true, it is more of a bump. How come the French have the monopoly on kissing techniques?

Kels - I prefer one kiss too. Perhaps people should identify how many they prefer by wearing ribbons or something.. yellow for one, red for two?

CDW - You and Huw would get on VERY well.

 
At 2:20 am, Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman thought it was best to say...

I thinking you just totally called me a perv... (thanks for noticing)

 

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