Way back on June 21st of this year, I ran a little poll
in which YOU
decided on the topic for a future post. The result was overwhelmingly (one or two votes) in favour of option C :-
"I attract more women when I'm hungover
Since then, I've been out and about testing my theory. In a round-about way, here's what happened...
I'm usually one for keeping many of my observations to myself, I say many because plenty do slip out and people do laugh. The reason for me checking myself before I say anything is that I suffer tremendously from Sod's Law
. For example, if I make the observation "Oh look, every single duck in that pond is swimming in the same direction
" almost immediately, the ducks will break off into groups and perform some kind of mass synchronised swimming routine, each group heading in an opposite direction to the other. People will then laugh at my statement.
So imagine what was going through my head when I stated that "I attract more women when I'm hungover
"! I panicked soon after writing that. I had even considered quietly shuffling away from the bl*g and pointing the finger at someone else, I truly thought that this was the end of the constant ego-boosters I receive when I'm in absolute agony from the night before. Luckily for everyone involved (just me), everything continued as normal. Although I am wondering if I'm tempting fate too much by writing about it now.
I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to go about this subject, I have no clear direction or writing style set out so this might just turn into a massive self-analysis session with me realising things that I hadn't noticed before as I go along. It might turn into an essay on the poetic skills of Che Guevara. We'll just see how it goes shall we?
I drink. Often I'll drink until I'm drunk. Naturally, when I wake up after a night of drinking, I feel like crap, I look like crap, my breath reeks of alcohol and I've usually not had a shower as I've had to bolt out of the house and run to work. I struggle with my co-ordination, infact I often find myself forgetting how I usually walk which leads to me attempting several different walking styles as I travel along the street. Regular tasks such as opening doors or putting jeans on usually involve me receiving a large bruise on the head. Sentence structure goes out of the window which makes conversation, for example, as difficult as playing a guitar with your hands tied behind your back. I'll only be able to mutter phrases such as "Worst day of my life
" or "I think I'm dying
". As a result of all of this combined, you wouldn't have thought that I'd even receive a second glance from the fairer sex, would you? But I do....
Not only do I just get a second glance, I'll often get a cute little smile, a "Hello
" or even an attempt to start a conversation with me. The reasons for this are beyond me. You could be cynical and put these down to:-a)
Girls are smiling at me because they are amused by the sight of me.b)
Girls are generally nice and will say Hello to anyonec)
Girls are just generally nice and have just had a cup of coffee to start the day and are on a caffeine high.
I was initially a cynic too, but over the years I've come to the conclusion that there must be something different about me to make me receive more of theses gestures than normal.
Recent case study (with no evidence, but you'll just have to believe me) :-
Friday night - I'd got mildly drunk. Only a few beers and an early night.
Saturday - Out all day from 12pm until 4am. Ridiculously drunk.
Sunday - Didn't touch a beer until 6pm, got drunk again though and retired at 2am.
Monday morning. - Displaying all of the previously mentioned hangover qualities. Three days in a row of getting drunk and running around socialising. Energy levels had been depleted and there was very little left in the tank, just enough to get me to work at 9am.
Incident 1) - Stumbling out of the front door, narrowly avoided hitting my head on it. Hit my head on the wall instead, I wasn't watching that. Girl from next door walks past, smiles sweetly and says "Morning".
2) I'm 30 seconds down the road, and on my first cycle of trying to remember how I normally walk. Pretty girl in office attire walks past me and looks me up and down before giving a sly smile whilst looking straight at my eyes.
3) 5 mins down the road, I'm on the main shopping street and I receive several more smiles from girls. I think I counted four. One girl turns around after walking past, I also turn around and we catch each other - we both laugh.
4) 10 mins down the road, a hot girl I used to work with (who I never, ever spoke to). Grins and says "Hi Curly, you look good today". I just reply with a grin and carry on walking. I vaguely remember seeing hot girl the night before. I've reached the fourth cycle of trying to walk properly, I'm close but haven't quite nailed it yet.
5) I slump into the seat on the train station, and go into a coma-like trance while I wait for the train. Up bounces another girl I used to work with, "CURLY!!! How are you?". I just smiled back as I couldn't remember which language I spoke. She sits on the bench next to me and starts to go through the 'What have you been up to?' speech. I remember that I can speak English and just give her the "Oh, stuff" line, that should keep her happy for a while. My mouth feels like the inside of a 3000 year old sarcophagus and just uttering two words is such an effort as a result of the pain. She carries on talking to me, I respond as best I can. One word answers are the only thing on the menu from me in this state. I try to be as little fun as possible in the hope she'll leave me alone so I can just concentrate on how to open the bottle of water I'm carrying. She gets on the same train as me and she's sat on the seat opposite for 20mins, talking. I just want to sleep for my hour long journey but it's now impossible. I'm angry about that. She carries on chatting me up, and it finally ends when she gives me her number and suggests we meet up sometime.
6) Another two sexy little smiles from a couple of girls as I walk to the office, one says "Hi". I've given up trying to walk the way I do normally and have just decided to copy the guy walking in front of me.
Finally I get into work and my boss confirms what I'd known all along "Bloody hell, you look fucking awful.. good night?"
What the hell...?
Sure, it happens on the street sometimes anyway. A girl says "Hi" and I'll say hi back and my ego will be boosted that little bit more. When I'm hungover I couldn't care less if a cute girl smiles at me or says hello, I'm too busy struggling to stay alive.
I've come up with some theories as to why this phenomenon occurs. Anyone is welcome to tell me whether they agree, disagree or have theories of their own.
- I'm less lively when I'm hungover, I may come across as smoother?
- I don't talk , I may come across as mysterious?
- My body is trying to shut down, I may adopt a different posture?
- Vodka breath is nicer than my normal breath?
- One of the many walks I do is sexier than my normal one?
- My hungover attitude is "I don't care what you say to me". I may come across as a bastard. Some girls go for that.
- I may get the same level of attention normally, and am just oblivious to most of it?
And look at that, I didn't even mention El Che.