Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I've just been walking around the centre of town and the amount of cute women wandering around has increased ten-fold since the rain stopped yesterday. Men are constantly scanning their surroundings for women (or other men, if they're that way inclined), plenty of men will deny this but they are lying to both you and themselves. There are many different methods of looking for women, some men only have the capacity to use one, but the clever ones will adapt to their particular situation. Here are a few examples:-

The Discreet David
Perfect for when you're out with a girlfriend who may not appreciate you gawping at other girls. You will not notice David looking at all, even if you're being looked at.

The Blatant Bertie
Bertie will announce who he's looking at to his friends, usually in a raised voice and sometimes accompanied by a pointing finger or wolf whistle, for clarity. The female that's attracted his attention will usually know too.

The Staring Stanley
If you're talking to Stanley and all of a sudden he becomes distant, seemingly ignoring everything you say to him, trace where his eyes are fixated and you'll see why.

The Quick check-out Quentin
Quentin is very similar to David in that he'll discreetly be looking at a girl, but he'll just look her up and down once before moving on to find another one. Once he's found his favourite, he'll keep checking back to see if she's changed at all since the last time he looked.

One thing that all these healthy blokes have in common is that they love acknowledging that they've seen a great girl.

Bertie displays this trait in the most obvious manner, he's not selfish in any way and he'll gladly tell all his friends who he's looking at and perhaps he'll even point out that she has massive breasts, or a lovely bottom for example - which ever is his favourite part.

Stanley usually gets a couple of laughs from whoever's in his company, or a short, sharp command to stop staring as it's making someone feel uncomfortable. Stanley is not usually very good with girls and will accompany his staring with a sentence detailing what he'd like to do to her. His mates will ignore him but he'll be oblivious to that.

Quentin and David get along very well indeed. They'll either work alone or with one other Quentin/David in their company. Imagine David is having a sly look and quietly appreciating what he sees, but Quentin - working his way around the area - catches David looking. David senses this and looks over to Quentin, Quentin finds this hilarious because:
a) He's just caught a Discreet David in action.
b) He also recognises what David is looking at.

They'll both signal that they have a mutual appreciation for the girl, either with a smile, a nod or a wink, and for that split second - they'll be the best mates in the world. Afterwards, they'll go their separate ways and never speak of the incident again.

One of my favourite experiences of this was in a club in Cairns. I was making my way back to my friends on the other side of the dancefloor and noticed the common two-girls-snogging-eachother-for-attention, I was in Bertie mode and needed to tell my mates but I was still nowhere near them. I panicked, I HAD to tell someone, so I tapped the bloke next to me on the shoulder stuck my arm out and pointed towards the faux lesbians. "FUCK!" he cried, he then ordered all of his mates to turn around as well. After the girls had finished, he shook my hand, thanked me and bought me a beer. Everyone was happy.

Here I will introduce the best in the business, the Multi-lingual Mike. Mike and his friends can speak a different language to you and they have zero problems talking about a hot girl no matter how close she is. It won't even appear as though they're talking about her, as far as she's concerned, they're just having a joke about the way Americans pronounce 'Oregano'.

I was once busted BIG time as Mike. We were on a train near Sheffield in the North of England when I noticed a gorgeous girl sit down a couple of seats ahead of me. My mate couldn't see so he asked me to describe her, she was easily within hearing distance so I continued in Welsh. She was completely oblivious to me, perfect. I was just finishing off a few details when her phone rang, she answered in Welsh along with a grin from ear to ear.

Be careful gentlemen, if you can do this well you're life will be a real pleasure. If not, girls can often punch much harder than you think.


At 4:45 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

I've just had a text telling me that I'm a Stanley, I'm rather insulted by that.

(not really, I am the master of cunning when I need to be)


At 5:58 pm, Blogger NiolK thought it was best to say...

Good call.

I'm totaly a Quentin.

At 6:34 pm, Blogger mona thought it was best to say...

ah it's good to be a girl, I love the attention from all these lads, although I think I would rather avoid the Bertie....but hey if he's hot, keep on looking! ummhum.
and you do enjoy calling yourself master of cunning...care to share some details here or would it blow your cover?

At 7:02 pm, Blogger Clearlykels thought it was best to say...

ha! She spoke Welsh. Now, that is fabulous. You gave her a huge compliment.

At 1:27 pm, Blogger christianoshi thought it was best to say...

I, too, am Quentin. I've also discussed private matters in Welsh on a train to London to have another passenger grin at me knowingly upon leaving.

At 2:01 pm, Blogger Annie Rhiannon thought it was best to say...

The same thing happened to me and Cathy once too, on the tube. But I think the person was laughing at the shoddiness of our Welsh more than anything.

At 4:52 am, Blogger Teri thought it was best to say...

You missed Gawking Gary - he's like Bertie, only never says a thing - just stares and stares and stares with his eyes popping out of his hand and his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

At 3:15 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Niolk - I figured, although I could see you as an occasional Bertie...

Mona - Of course the girls love it, that's what they dress up for and wear make-up for! (not all, I know). Master of Cunning is just a phrase I heard on TV , I just like using it.

Kels - Yeah, at least she smiled eh?

Christianoshi, Annie - There do seem to be more Welsh speakers around that we think. Another time on a train I heard a young girl say to her mate "Did you know that the last lady to speak Welsh died fifteen years ago?" I chuckled, in Welsh.

Teri - I think he'd be classed as a Severe Stanley, but the toungue coming out of his mouth... that's a new level of scary-ness! I was once heading a very important meeting for my old company when a hot girl walked past our room, I just trailed off mid-speech and gawked. Everyone burst out laughing, then the hot girl was told what happened afterwards - it was pretty funny.

At 5:16 pm, Blogger Cleavers thought it was best to say...

Where on earth are all these men? I never notice them! I'd take any of them if I did.

At 5:16 pm, Blogger Cleavers thought it was best to say...

Where on earth are all these men? I never notice them! I'd take any of them if I did.

At 4:35 pm, Anonymous Cecilia thought it was best to say...

The Discreet David, eh? Wasn’t King David a cunning and lucky man?

At 5:32 pm, Blogger Laura thought it was best to say...

How did you find me?! Already! You're too good, you are!!

At 6:39 pm, Blogger Will thought it was best to say...

The lesbian excitement reminded me of a similar gawking situation from a few years back. I was on the Underground on a late Saturday night with my friend Jimmy, who is as red-blooded as any young male.

I glance along the carriage and notice two lesbians (or straight girls vying for attention) all over each other. "Hey, check it out," I mutter to Jimmy. "Wow!" he exclaims, looking in their direction. "That bloke's reading a copy of the News of the World and it's still Saturday! London's amazing!"

Can I propose the 'Blind Billy' category?

At 12:03 am, Blogger Chris thought it was best to say...

Loved the Welsh girl story, though I'm sure you didn't at the time. In summertime I'm definately one of the more subtle categories, though might I propose Micky Mirrorshades? That's always my weapon of choice in the long summer months. Of course this can lead to the inevitable 'Think-you're-still-wearing-shades-when-you're -not' moments, particularly just as the sun is going down. That's probably too much detail. Argh, I'm such a dirty old perv.

At 2:52 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Cleavers - They're EVERYWHERE. You really don't want to be saying things like "I'd take any of them" on the interweb.

Cecilia - Was he? I'll have to read up on him a little more, he sounds like a good guy!

Laura - Indeed, I can't remember how I found you actually... it caught me a little by surprise!

Will - Blind Billy is certainly a welcome addition to the collection! That's hilarious!

Chris - Not too much detail at all, it happens to us all! The reflective shades trick has been used many a time - sometimes I'd even turn my head away completely so no-one suspected me as my eyes strained to look at the subject.

At 3:14 pm, Blogger mona thought it was best to say...

did you know that this also applies to girls more or less...ive been observing it for the past couple days...

At 3:47 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Oh yeah, totally. But I'm not so sharp on their methods, not being a girl!

At 3:27 pm, Blogger Chris Cope thought it was best to say...

You forget the Married Mark. The trick is to find some minor fault with a girl and point it out to your wife or girlfriend. This then gives you all the time in the world to keep on staring.


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