Thursday, July 20, 2006

The probably revealing too much post

I don't want to go all psychological on you. But today and all through last night I've been feeling something that I haven't felt since I was back in school.

I wasn't the most popular kid, I'll put it that way, throughout my school years. I often struggled to find friends to go and play with when I was in Primary school (4-11), and Secondary school (11-18) was a tough place to find people with the same interests as me. I used to feel desperately lonely, we lived in a village miles from anyone else and I had no means to get to town where most of my year group lived. I used to just feel crushed, I would just sit down on my bed for hours while the other kids went off enjoying themselves.

It all changed when I left school at 18 and ventured into the big wide world on my own. What a much better place it was now I was free from the ties of school. My problems in school were so insignificant compared to some of the things I started seeing. My confidence grew and grew and for the first time I started to make really good friends, friends who I really enjoyed spending time with and who enjoyed hanging out with me. It made me wonder what the hell I'd been doing wrong over all those years.

Last night, I travelled to Cardiff to see the Howling Bells, a band I've been itching to see for a while. I had a friend going along with me but at the last minute, they pulled out. That's fine, I thought, I'll give some others a call to see if they're interested in a free ticket. I must have rung about twenty five friends who live in Cardiff, absolutely none of them were available. Most had to be in work at 4am, 6am, 8am. Some were on holiday. Some were playing football. Some were editing videos. Some filled in job applications. Others were just not interested. I sat down in the park, waiting for the gig to start, and phoned a few more people. Still nothing. I felt that same thing I used to feel as a teenager, what have I done wrong? Why isn't anyone interested in coming out with me? I sat in the park for over an hour, just thinking. Luckily, this time I was far more mature and knew that everyone was genuinely unavailable - although there was still a nagging feeling that I'd done something wrong somewhere. After a few more phonecalls, I found it quite amusing. I had some great conversations with people I hadn't spoken to in a long time, and we had plenty of laughs about my situation.

I went into the venue on my own to see the support band and even the girl behind the counter had a giggle with me. I didn't want to waste my money on the ticket and she persuaded me to keep looking for a pal.

At half nine, I rang my friend Alex, who was just going home after work and was feeling extremely tired. After a bit of a chat, she agreed to come along with me. And do you know what? We had a great time! The Howling Bells sounded amazing, a bit too much volume on the (pretty much perfect) vocals but otherwise, a very good recommendation!

I'm organaising a barbeque at my place in August though, and I've got a horrible feeling that loads of people are going to bail at the last minute again. I shouldn't think that really. It'll be cracking all the same, with a core group of pals who'll jump at the chance of a free burger.

The summer is great.


At 8:38 pm, Blogger Aarti thought it was best to say...

I know the feeling. Well actually I dont as I have too many friends (Damn, only just lost the Woman of the Year award in my 6th form ball by 1 vote! But did win Friendliest and Noisiest award!)
Its coz everyones old and boring. This is me being nasty coz now I am unemployed and no longer a student and bored.

At 4:04 pm, Blogger Léonie thought it was best to say...

I know that feeling so well. The feeling that just maybe everyone is having a huge party just around the corner and you're forced to sit at home and watch old episodes of Dad's Army with your Mum.

It always sounds to me like you have millions of friends, though. Especially those who mught want a free burger or two (or is two pushing the boundaries of friendship a little?)

At 2:44 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Art - I don't think it's because everyone is old and boring, far from it. It may be the first step towards growing up though, something I particularly dread.

Léonie - The Dad's army analogy is spot on! ha! I am very lucky to have so many friends, I shouldn't complain at all when they're not available for one night in 365.

At 6:03 am, Blogger Me Over Here thought it was best to say...

Curly--I could tell you loads of stories about my pathetic social life as a pre-teen and teenager. I'll sum it up by saying that I was nicknamed "PoodleGirl" from age 12 and didn't know that until age 18. It still stings. But, like you, I now know that I have my core group of friends that are always there. Whether they are readily available whenever I need a movie-going partner, I can't say, but I know what we have is genuine and real and that's such a great feeling to have. Don't get down on yourself. Younger years are meant to be a time of self-deprecating and paralyzing's the time for security and self-confidence, both of which I know you have.

Ha, how's THAT for having my MA in Counseling.


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