Monday, November 21, 2005

Negative, Sir.

Well, I've been far too positive recently.

To be perfectly honest with you, I haven't been positive at all - that's not the type of person I am - but I'd almost tricked MYSELF into thinking that all is well and that my life was just great at the moment.

But growing inside of me for the last four or five months, has been a big grey cloud of doubt. This happens to me every now and then. At first it's nothing, just a slight sensation that not quite everything is as rosy as it seems. Over a period of months it inflates into attacks of anxiety and I just HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!.

The last time this happened, I was living happily in Cardiff one second - The next I'd uprooted and hiked over to Canada. There was nothing particularly wrong with the situation I was in. I had a great social life, a regular job and there was always plenty to do in Cardiff.

The previous time was how I ended up in Cardiff in the first place, travelling up from Newquay in Cornwall.

Newquay was the result of an attack too. One day I just packed my bags, drove to Newquay for a weekend - and ended up surfing and partying for four months on the beach.

And I can keep tracing this trend back to when I was 16 and I had travelled to Germany for the second time with friends. Something inside of me must have twigged, "Hold on, there's a giant world out here and I need to see it - Now." Maybe it's due to the secluded upbringing I had. A farming community of less than 100 people didn't ever spring many surprises on me, and didn't give a huge range of experiences. I all but gave up on my schooling and concentrated on saving money to get out again.

So, here I am - 23 and still being driven by some feeling that I had when I was 16. As of tonight I've decided to finish my college course, what work will make of that I don't know (as they're paying for it). I'm not going to be too fussed if my current employers find that they no longer have a need for me, although I thoroughly enjoy working in that particular office.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see an old friend from Leicester (who happens to be in Cardiff and needing a drinking partner).

We'll have plenty to catch up on and to philosophise about.

Wish me luck, I met regret this later in the week.


At 11:54 pm, Blogger Huw thought it was best to say...

I am looking for a new flatmate...

At 12:10 am, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Really?...I'll be in touch Huw.

At 3:29 pm, Anonymous Emma Reese thought it was best to say...

I hope you'll find what you're truly searching for.

At 4:06 pm, Blogger Me Over Here thought it was best to say...

Wow, I can't tell you how much I have been feeling the same way lately...just a squirming sensation inside my tummy to GET OUT of Texas and visit other beautiful parts of the world. If money wasn't a constraint, I'd be long gone by now. I truly love Texas, it's my home...but there's so much more out there to see!

I really admire your courage and your ability to say "screw it...I'm leaving and doing something new!" I wish I was half as adventurous as you. Good luck to you, and no regrets!

At 4:08 pm, Blogger Me Over Here thought it was best to say...

P.S.--You should move in with Huw!

At 6:32 pm, Blogger Chris Cope thought it was best to say...

Yes! Run. Jump off the cliff and hope to hell you fly or there's a soft landing. In my adult life I have never lived in the same place for more than two years -- Southern Minnesota to Northern Minnesota to England to North Dakota to Northern California to Nevada to Southern California back to Southern Minnesota and soon to Cardiff.

At 7:08 pm, Blogger Cleavers thought it was best to say...

f you are feeling antsy and disatisfied, I'd say go with that before you get stuck in a rut that you might be unable to wrench your way out of. As one who has done exactly that and is loving her new life, I would heartily recommend it.

At 3:57 pm, Blogger mona thought it was best to say...

If I could go somewhere right now I'd go to eastern europe, try my luck in Poland or got to Prague...hum...

At 12:23 pm, Blogger Curly thought it was best to say...

Cheers for the suggestions guys! No-one is going for the 'stay where you are and work through it' option?


Chris - That's really interesting that you've not lived in the same place for too long. I've never been anywhere for longer than 18 months (and that was a long one) either.



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